| Cinderella Was an Isolated Case |
November 5, 2000
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Reno divorce.
Sounds redundant, doesn't it?
A Reno divorce is the culturespeak for a quick and easy dissolution
of marriage since the laws of Nevada are legendary for accepting
trivial grounds and short residence periods.
No surprise, then, that Nevada has the highest divorce rate in the
country.
Scratch Nevada, and what states follow with the most active divorce
courts?
Not New York. Not California.
The states that compete with Nevada for the highest divorce rates
are Tennessee, Arkansas, Alabama and Oklahoma - four heartland
states that sit smack dab in the middle of the Bible Belt.
In these four states, the divorce rate isn't just a little bit more
- it is 50 percent above the rest of the country.
A recent study asserts that divorce is more common among
evangelical Christians than other religious groups.
More common among those who have every intention of taking literally
the words of Jesus in the gospel of Mark:
"Therefore what God has joined together, let no one
separate"
(Mark 10:9)
But separate they do.
And divorce.
Some say that life is harder for people in the poorer states of
the Bible Belt;
poverty can be a principal contributor to marital problems.
Others believe that pressure is put on the devoutly
religious to marry young, so that they won't run afoul of
teachings against premarital sex.
Unfortunately, many premature marriages are immature marriages, and
they end in divorce.
But perhaps there's something else causing marital meltdowns.
Perhaps these disastrous divorce dramas are due to the fact
that Christians aren't prepared for worst case scenarios.
They aren't able to see that things could be worse,
only that things could be a whole lot better.
Their understanding is that Jesus will just bless them real good
and they don't need to do anything on their own.
Actually I have an alternative theory.
I wonder if evangelical fundamentalism approaches marriage in much
the same way they approach salvation...
"if I say the right prayer...things will work out."
"If I just believe...if I put Jesus at the
center..."
Translation...they are expecting Jesus to do the work of the
relationship.
Problem is, it doesn't fall to Jesus to do that work for
them....
and it leaves them not taking seriously what it means to be
married.
The presence of Jesus can't communicate in their marriage for
them...
Can't make them keep commitments.
Can't zip up their pants.
Can't argue for them when they disagree.
Fortunately, for those who are drifting, dodging, struggling,
falling or choking in their marriages, The Worst Case Scenario
Survival Handbook, offers a handful of matter-of-fact
instructions for those in the worst possible situations.
You could be rocked in an earthquake, adrift at sea, lost in
the desert, or in a line of gunfire.
Life would be much worse if you were struggling to survive in an
avalanche, or on top of a moving train or in a plane with a disabled
pilot.
Perhaps your parachute doesn't open, or your scuba tank is out of
air, or someone is choking and the Heimlich maneuver fails.
These are true worst case scenarios - ones that make most marital
problems seem rather paltry in comparison.
For example: Let's say you're swimming off the coast of Baja,
California, and you're attacked by a killer shark.
Here's what you do:
You hit back - with a camera, probe, harpoon gun, your fist.
You strike the shark's eyes or gills, which are the areas most
sensitive to pain.
Make quick, sharp, repeated jabs in these areas,
because sharks are
predators and will usually only follow through on an attack if they
have the advantage.
Bonking the shark on the nose is not the area to
attack, unless you can't reach the eyes or gills.
Hitting back lets the shark know that you are not defenseless.
Sharks will probably not follow through on an attack if you
behave like an unappetizing dinner.
This is good advice for anyone in such a worst case scenario.
But what do all these exotic survival techniques have
to do with marriage and divorce?
Everything, it turns out (especially the part about jabbing the
eyes!).
How to survive an attack on your marriage takes as much
knowledge and courage and energy as How to Survive a Shark
Attack.
Many Christians find themselves woefully unprepared when caught
in the jaws of a struggling marriage.
But don't try to tell that to couples preparing for marriage... they
are in love...
We hold "fairy-tale conceptions of marriage" that
render us incapable of dealing with marriage's problems.
Our dogmatism about right and wrong means that we
"don't have the mental dexterity to make the
adjustments to a less than perfect
marriage."
Till our last dying breath we still think,
"Someday I'll meet a partner and it will be perfect; he will
fit with all my wonderfulness in such a way that it will all
work."
We indulge the illusion that, with the right partner, conflict will
be minimal.
-Diane Sollee, M.S.W., director of the Coalition for Marriage,
Family and Couples Education in Washington, D.C.
With such high expectations of marriage, the perfect becomes the
enemy of the good.
And if we don't begin to take care of business, we're soon
going to have a marriage that's a balloon looking for a pin.
Do we have a fairy-tale conception of marriage that results in a
crash when the reality doesn't match the fantasy?
Are we marriage partners unprepared for the worst case scenario, or
at least the less-than-I-bargained-for scenario?
Conflict is certain to visit a marriage, and it's entirely
possible that we do not know how to survive a shark attack when the
shark is another woman or another man.
We are unprepared to peer into the gaping jaws of the loss of
a job,
the evaporation of a dream, or
the loss of a
child.
Jesus is rather emphatic about splitting up.
He wants us to make stability a priority in our committed
relationships, and to develop the specific skills we need to stay
together, so that the two shall remain "one flesh"
(Mark 10:8).
We can argue all we want about just when divorce is permissible
and when it is not, but the bottom line is this:
Jesus wants committed monogamous relationships to last.
So when the sharks begin to circle, what can Christian couples
do?
I want to offer a couple of pieces of advice...
First... when you fight..."we're not fighting, we're
discussing..."
remember your goal is to stay married, not to win the fight.
If you win, the other person loses.
Second... surround yourself with others to support
you...
you can learn from them...the best and the worst...
Third... if you are fighting the same fight again
and again...different print, same story... get
help.
Advice on what makes a marriage strong and how to protect its
vitality is legion.
I'm not much on self-help books...
in a moment of insecurity we can pick up a book and find things that
we're doing wrong according to the book.
They're written to make money.
I also think it's helpful to name the sharks...
TV -- unhelpful expectations...
"Bob & Carol Brady made it work with 6 kids...
what's holding us back?"
You all have seen Friends?
Monica and Chandler are getting married.
Saw an interview with Matthew Perry, who plays Chandler Bing.
Said, "The writers are very wise.
Monica and Chandler are not going to have an easy marriage."
I think unreasonable expectations... are a shark...
I thought he'd change.
I never thought she would.
We had great sex together, why are we lousy friends?"
In a media-hyped, sex-crazed, consumerist culture, we know that
our marriages are in shark-infested territory.
The bottom line is sometimes you have to fight for your
marriage...
keep jabbing, poking, probing and kicking away.
We can't think of ourselves as defenseless against the
threats to our marriage.
We thought we married the ideal person, but, as it turns
out, we married a real person.
Jesus says that in a culture that has given itself up
to the sharks, God calls us to not give in to what
seem inevitable by defending God's gift to us.
What you are being invited to do is make a commitment to make
things work...
to stay when it's easier to walk.
Left turn with this text...
Maybe we can get a glimpse of happily ever after...
And I want to begin by saying something to persons who are not
married...
one of three things has happened.
- You've never been married.
Cool
Take your time.
If you're going to stay single, go.
Be a whole person.
I want you to know that nowhere in the bible does Jesus say you are
incomplete if single.
If you're waiting for someone to sweep you off your feet, think
through the concept of not having your feet on the ground.
- You've been married and divorced.
I think the key word I'd offer here is to be in
the process that is necessary anytime crises comes.
What do I need to learn from this.
Do a biopsy of what happened.
Also, can I be civil and respectful in divorce even though we
couldn't in marriage?
- You are a widow or widower.
Ouch.
Slow down.
If you ever think of marriage again, there is no way whoever you
meet will measure up to the spouse you buried.
Our memory does strange things to elevate people after they die.
Not a fair comparison.
I have a hard time with this text.
This text does not stand alone.
In the book of
Acts 1:8
Jesus says to his followers...
"You will receive power...when the presence of the Holy Spirit
is real to you..."
When you take risks because you trust me...when you walk the high
road... when you aspire to be faithful...
When you go the road to be my representative to others, I will
empower you...
So I want to tell you when you can expect power...
some examples...
Marriage is one of them...
when you honor the bonds you have made...
the ones you've asked me to bless...
You will receive power...
And if you divorce...
when you honor the bonds you have made...
and remember that you are bound to that person.
Respect. Dignity.
When soldiers who fought against each other meet and embrace...
When a man who was held captive and tortured returns to make
peace with his captors...
When the son of a president takes a deep breath and extends his
hand to his father's nemesis to make peace...
When Palestinians and Jews work together for an Olive
company...
and the Israeli who owns the company continues to employ
them and pay the same wage...
When the parents of a boy who was killed claim as
their own the boy who killed their son...
reminding us that we are grafted onto the vine...
and of a God who claims us...
Jesus says that in a culture that has given itself up to the
sharks, God calls us to be agent provocateurs relentlessly
attacking, jabbing, poking and defending God's gifts to us.
This is what it means to be a representative of Christ to the
world.
To come to his table does not mean that you have it
together and are able to recognize this every time it
passes...
To come to his table does mean that you invite him to show
you the times when what seems impossible could be
possible
...you invite him to help you take the first step.
Sources:
Borgenicht, David, and Joshua Piven. The Worst Case Scenario
Survival Handbook. (New York: Chronicle Book, 2000).
"Evangelicals and high divorce rates." (Current Thoughts
& Trends. March 2000, 10).
Lusterman, Don-David. "Caught in the act." (Family
Therapy Networker. November-December 1999, 23-24).
Marano, Hara Estroff. "Divorced? Don't even think of
remarrying until you read this." (Psychology Today, April, 2000:
56-62.)
Veith, Gene. "Bible Belt Breakups." (World, November 27,
1999, 30-31.)
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