Forgiveness is a fad these days,

a full-fledged flavor of the month.

Turn on any TV station,

and the odds are good

you'll witness a dramatic episode of forgiveness.

Maybe a long-estranged mother and daughter

will dash to embrace one another,

a put-upon wife will step forward

to absolve her sorry excuse of a husband,

or a scandal-plagued politician

will pander for pardon.

Reconciliation is burning hot, hot, hot right now,

and Christians are usually the ones fanning the flames of forgiveness.

But maybe we need another look at forgiveness.

And don't think I'm going to exhaust what needs to be said here.

Where I want to start...

Fretting for forgiveness can make some of our Scriptures hard to hear ...

like today's.

Psalm 50 insists that God is coming to judge us.

Yes, JUDGE us.

"Our God comes and does not keep silence,

before him is a devouring fire,

and a mighty tempest (violent storm) all around him" (Psalm 50:3).

That's a bit harsh.

Makes me squirm in my seat a bit.

But not according to the psalmist.

"The heavens declare his righteousness,

for God himself is judge" (Psalm 50:6).

The God who summons heaven and earth

that he may judge his people

is clearly a counter-cultural Creator,

one who is more concerned about eradicating evil

than raising television ratings.

Selling commercial time and airing a really huge hit....

whether or not Oprah continues to gain popularity...

means nothing to a Lord who is committed to justice.

So what are we to make of the orgy of forgiveness

that is going on all around us?

It seems so caring and so loving

and so CHRISTIAN

to jump right in.

It feels so spiritually right to forgive...

so spiritually mature...

to forgive with haste.

After all, haven't we heard

the parable of the Prodigal Son

since we first toddled off to Sunday school,

and been pounded by the preaching of forgiveness and reconciliation

since we first plopped into a seat?

Failure to pardon,

we're constantly warned,

will blight our lives;

is considered a big, fat "F"

for sinners like ourselves

who have been forgiven by God.

But must we ALWAYS forgive?

Psychotherapist Jeanne Safer

raises this provocative point

in a recent issue of Psychology Today (July/August 1999).

She stresses that

some of the most admirable, sane and emotionally healthy people that she knows

have -

on occasion -

not forgiven.

They have done this as a legitimate move,

not as a flight from forgiveness or a retreat into paranoia;

they have taken this path

because it has been the right thing to do (32).

Safer describes how

you can refuse to absolve

your spouse, parent, sibling or friend ...

and still be emotionally healthy.

Maybe we disciples of a Divine Judge

should try this on for size.

of NOT forgiving,

and see if it fits.

What could it mean to be a "moral unforgiver,"

a truth-teller who finds that

the most moral of stances

is to refuse to pardon?

Perhaps we'll see that

in some situations

forgiveness really flops,

and we would do well to avoid the temptation

to rush to reconciliation.

Consider the case of Sandy Katz,

a woman who grew up with a violent bully of an older brother.

As a child, he abused her with a screwdriver,

and even set her on fire.

Throughout all this violence,

her parents looked the other way

and never acknowledged what he did to her.

"He continued to behave this way

and they continued to insist that I submit,"

recalls Sandy;

"my mother would say,

'He's just trying to get close to you

because he doesn't know how to be friends.'"

Yeah, right.

Parents like these

often feel pressure to promote family harmony,

so they deny one child's viciousness

and try to force the victimized child to be "mature"

and "rise above it."

But Sandy knew that she was being abused

and that justice was not being done,

so at age 35 she finally defied her parents

by refusing her brother's phone calls.

"I started getting guilt-inducing messages from them

saying that I was abandoning him

and destroying the family,"

she recounts.

"They became increasingly angry and accusatory,

haranguing me to forgive and forget

without admitting there was anything to forgive and forget."

Sandy penned her brother a note

detailing what he had done,

and saying she wouldn't speak to him

until he was willing to acknowledge it.

He responded with a letter

taking the moral high ground,

saying that he was just as hurt as she was,

and that all children fight -

as if abuse with tools and fire

is part of normal childhood squabbling!

He said he was willing to let bygones be bygones,

so why couldn't she?

Hello-o?

Anybody home?

Time to forget forgiveness

and take a stand as a moral unforgiver.

You say:

Excuse me,

but I will not be reconciled with you

until you acknowledge that you have abused me.

Thank you very much

but I will not forgive you unless there's a little C & R going on here -

confession and repentance (see 1 John 1:8-10).

Easy forgiveness makes for hard justice.

It's not going to happen.

to understand that from the get-go.

"What right have you to recite my statutes?"

God rants at the wicked in Psalm 50.

"For you hate discipline,

and you cast my words behind you.

You make friends with a thief when you see one,

and you keep company with adulterers" (Psalm 50:16-18).

There's no justice

as long as people persist in mouthing empty phrases,

despising discipline

and ignoring God's words.

Sandy Katz has taken a stand as a moral unforgiver,

refusing to be reconciled

until her brother takes some responsibility

for his actions.

"It's not so much what my brother did as a child,

but what he continues to be as a man

that I find unacceptable,"

Sandy asserts.

"He hasn't changed,

never grew,

and just found new ways to feel entitled.

It would only be right to forgive what he did as a child -

it would be legitimate and healthy for everybody.

But it would be wrong not to hold him responsible

for being an undeveloped person now."

Because truth and justice are important to Sandy -

as they are to God -

she feels that clear judgments must be made

before there can be reconciliation.

But hold on.

Back that train into the station for just one second:

Didn't Jesus proclaim,

"Do not judge,

so that you may not be judged" (Matthew 7:1)?

Yes, he did.

But he was warning us about judging others

while absolving ourselves.

He doesn't expect us to be morally and emotionally

blind to injustice.

His challenge is

to apply the same high standards to yourself

as you do to others,

for "with the judgment you make

you will be judged,

and the measure you give

will be the measure you get" (Matthew 7:2).

We Christians are to be truth-tellers

about ourselves and others.

To be clear-eyed about evil

and unwilling to dispense cheap grace.

To pull the railroad ties out of our own eyes,

so that we can see clearly

to take the toothpicks out of a neighbor's eye.

To hold ourselves to the same set of expectations

that we have for others

so that we can all stand on equal footing before God --

equally honest about our failures

and equally desperate for forgiveness.

Here's the deal:

Forgiveness doesn't work unless accompanied by honesty.

And if you're the bad guy,

you can't expect God, friends or spouse to say,

"Sure, we forgive you."

Okay, so you didn't have sex with that woman,

but both you and those you have offended

must be unflinchingly frank

or it's a no-go

all the way around.

or you can forget forgiveness.

There is no free forgiveness.

Forgiveness was not free for Adam and Eve -

they got evicted.

Not for David after his fling with Bathsheba -

the child and thousands of others die.

Not for Samson -

he dies blind in a pile of rubble.

Not for King Saul -

he dies on his sword.

Not for Ananias and Sapphira -

they lie, they die.

Not for John Mark -

Paul sends him packing.

So you've been cheated,

abused, battered, lied to,

stolen from and deprived of.

What are you going to do?

Just say it's okay?

True,

there are some conditions under which

you may be able to offer forgiveness finally,

but that's not what we're talking about here.

"Forget about it."

Forgiveness is not about forgetting.

Forgiveness is something that happens in us...

that is our coming to peace with what has happened to us

and no longer seeking revenge for it.

No longer staying awake over it.

No longer feeling burned over it.

No longer wanting to leave the planet

when that person is near us.

No longer wishing to visit

the sweetness of revenge on them...

In his book The Art of Forgiving...

on page 25,

Lewis Smedes makes these observations.

Forgiving happens inside the person who does it.

Forgiving is not about reunion.

Forgiving does not obligate us to go back.

And therein lies what I think is the answer...

for those who would be spiritually mature...

To keep a line between

forgiving and reconciling.

I think Sandy Katz is just a bit confused...

or doesn't know the difference between

forgiveness and reconciliation.

Desmond Tutu says it this way...

"Forgive, yes,

the victims of injustice and oppressions

must be ever ready to forgive."

But can there be a coming together?

Tutu continues,

"Those who have wronged us

must be ready to make what amends they can...

If I have stolen your pen,

I can't really be contrite when I say,

"Please forgive me"

if at the same time

I keep your pen.

If I am truly repentant,

then I will demonstrate this genuine repentance

by returning your pen.

Then reunion,

which is always costly,

will happen...

it can't happen just by saying,

"Let bygones be bygones."

We can forgive him if he keeps the pen.

We should not be his friend

unless he gives the pen back."

(The Rainbow People of God 1994)

I think,

in the end,

to forgive is to say,

I'm moving on and I'm not taking baggage with me.

And forgiveness

is not to be confused with

reconciliation.

Smedes continues... (p27)

It takes one person to forgive

It takes two to be reunited.

Forgiving happens inside the wounded person.

Reunion happens in a relationship between people.

We can forgive a person

who never says he is sorry.

We cannot be truly reunited

unless he is honestly sorry.

We can forgive

even if we do not trust the person who wronged us once

not to wrong us again.

Reunion can happen only if

we can trust the person who wronged us once

not to wrong us again.

Forgiving has no strings attached.

Reunion has several strings attached.

I'm going to end there...

to not provide a summary statement...

but to leave you hanging...

To think about what you will do...